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i guess this is still my place to vent

2014 has sucked for many reasons, iv not really slept, iv cried every night or day since the start of the year and im always dead upset 

point one, 

im almost 23 i feel like i’m no where in life i work in a run down bar and i have no goals or ambition in life. I don’t know what i wanna do as a career  and im upset and frustrated i’m not getting anywhere. I thought about going to uni but i wouldnt even know what id wanna do either. Im seeing mates of mine with well paid job or who have traveled the world and my weeks are the same, nothing new and nothing changes, 

point two, 

my uncle passed away a week ago, ok we wernt close but i feel like i never got to say goodbye and he probably thought i didnt care. In reality i did and he’ll never know

point 3, 

my mums also had a few health issues. I see my mum like twice a year due to work and money and i just feel like im never there for my family anymore, i mean my mum said shes going to lapland for christmas and id have to make other plans ( most likely spending it by myself) and well that sucks my mum use to be my best friend and now it doesnt feel that way. 

point 4 

i broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks back i really took this bad cuz hes was literally everything to me, i dont think iv ever loved someone or cared for someone as much as him i was willing to give up everything and move closer to him and i put him first in everything and well yeh not having him there fully sucks. normally with break ups iv just moved on and its been cool this time i havent stopped thinking about him still every night or every morning. i feel like i miss having someone there more than i miss him but you get me, our relationship was literally falling apart and it was always on my mind i wasnt good enough.. so yeh thats effected me to

point 5 

due to my relationship i have so much self doubt, im constantly told by people im beautiful or im pretty and stuff but when you feel this low nothing matters, i find myself constantly comparing myself to prettier girls and feeling like nothing, and wondering what people would ever see in my anyway 

theres another key point here that i cant even bring myself to write about just yet, maybe in time 

im trying to help other by saying “focus on the positives” and everything will be ok but i cant believe that myself anymore. I have days where everything seems ok and im happy then when i get home i just cry for hours, im in the stage where i dont wanna see my mates but i dont wanna be alone.

i just wish i could go back in life a few years or pause life and figure what i want from it because right now everything seems like a struggle, and im fed up lying to people that im ok  

02.12.14 0
I never really use this now

my last post was from like 10 months ago, 

but yeh a lot has happend then and maybe i just needed somewhere to vent right now, 

so hey again tumblr 

since i last wrote anything here iv been at my job 10 months, my confidence has grown and iv meet some amazing people and iv only been ill like twice, seeing how ill i was at uni i fee iv come along way, iv started conversations with new people, made strong friend groups and the best thing is the people i work with are like i second family now 

I also have another 2 jobs aswell, so yeh i work 3 jobs, something i never thought be possible and in jobs where i have to speak to people and make friends and iv managed to do it and took it all on pretty well, 

last time i wrote anything on here i had a different  boyfriend to and i “thought” i as happy, in reality i wasnt, i hated be told who to talk to, hated being made to feel bad cuz i wanted to see my mates and hated him going through my stuff, my phone, my internet history and sending me anon ask on here to make him look like the better guy and me to look like i was in the wrong. I just hated being with someone so jealous and paranoid  i try to convince myself i was happy to keep him happy and thats never something you should do. 

the guy im with now things are perfect iv never been this happy with someone for a long time, hes as chilled out as me and just makes me laugh,oh and hes gorgeous  hes been there for me and understand i have work a lot and we still make things work, he doesnt need money or big gestures to impress me. Ive known him for like 5 years and i never thought in a million years we’d be together but now I never wanna think about my life without him 

I now also have a 6 bedroom house to myself seeing as my housemates have all moved out, its weird but also kinda cool cuz i have plenty of time to just chill out and if anything is a mess or anything with money its all my problem, iv also learnt living here how good iv become with money, making sure i pay off my bills before i spend money on myself, sure thing i may have not been able to treat myself as much as iv wanted to but im not in debt which is cool :)

The only problem with life now is my mates, having a job and money si cool but never seeing anyone isnt, iv become so distant to people and i havent seen some of my mates for like a year nearly now i work like 14 hours a day sleep then work but hopefully il find a better paid job and then be able to time off and see them i guess 

04.28.13 1

found a job, ok my hours are 9-7 am but still 

and i work in alt bar

and i didnt have a panic attack on my first day :D

woo 

09.03.12 0
Do you watch Anime? x0x0

Asked by Anonymous

not really x

08.20.12 0
I have spoke to you a few times. I honestly believe that you have a beautiful personality. XoxX

Asked by Anonymous

<3

well thank you x

08.20.12 0
finding a full time job seems impossible

part if me thinks id be better of staying at uni

but the truth is all the people when they finish uni are gonna be in the same boat as me 

iv just prepared myself early 

08.20.12 1
i am so poor

like i have around £7 to my name.. to last me for a few days, thank god for ebay 

anyway the problem is im to stubborn to let anyone help me 

id rather make my self feel depressed and sad then let my mates help me 

people that want to help me and be there for me 

im such a shit person sometimes 

08.07.12 1
im dreading next week

i have to go to the job center which causes my anxiety,

like makes me feel so rough to the point im normally stood there in tears and shakes before anyone speaks to me which makes people stare at me more if they wernt already… 

such a horrid cycle

then i have hevy fest, dont get me wrong im so excited to go i get to see my fav bands but having to be around that many people without and escape for 3 days scared me shitless

makes me feel sick and feels me with dread

its one of those things were the negatives outweigh the positives

on top of that im also feeling concerned with how i look, im starting to hate my appearance 

07.26.12 0
yesterday/last night

my housemate drove me insane 

like complained the house was always a mess and there was flies when last night was the first time shes cleaned in a year, 

she never washes up, her room smells like death and she never cleans 

she also said the flies were cuz of willow..

no the flies are there cuz you leave food out in the kitchen and in the sink 

id honestly never been so angry for her to say stuff like that and try and show off infront of her friends 

also i went out got back and the house smelt of weed and people had smoked in the house even thou i had asked her to smoke outside 

dont get me wrong i dont have a problem with her doing weed, but not in the house i find it proper disrespectful 

actually wish laura would come home because i miss her and i know she would have at least taken my side and managed to calm me down 

07.22.12 0
I've noticed from your other blog you're seeing someone now, do you still feel like you're missing that one person, or has he helped with that?

Asked by Anonymous

that one person was about my best friend who i havent seen in 3 years 

i dont need a guy to make me happy 

07.20.12 0